We were able to get my wife’s parents in our car and managed to get some clothes for both of them. My father-in-law asked some questions, but he seemed okay with my explanation that we were going to our house. My wife’s mother had a lot of questions about why she needed to go to our house. She kept saying that she wanted to stay in her own house. My wife and I tried to explain that the aide that was coming to her house wouldn’t be able to be there often enough to take care of them. She became very agitated and argumentative. She insisted that she could take care of both of them and didn’t really need any help. Then she started to tell us that the aide didn’t do that much anyway. From my experience as a human resource professional, and later as a middle school guidance counselor, I acknowledged what she was saying without arguing with her. I tried to reassure her that we would bring her back to her house, but we needed to have them at our house for a visit.
Our house is more than a hundred miles away and it is almost a two-hour ride. After about a half an hour, both of my wife’s parents were asleep in the back seat of our car. My wife’s father was 90 and hard of hearing. For years we heard him praying that the Lord would take him home to Heaven. There were things that he had some difficulties with, but he seemed capable of taking care of himself. With that said, he retired after he sold his business and spent a lot of time sitting in his chair reading and watching television. He would take care of his car, take out the recyclables and trash and drive his wife to appointments, but it was his wife who was in charge. Earlier that summer, my son drove with him to a restaurant that we were going to for dinner and couldn’t wait to get out of the care and told me that his grandfather shouldn’t be driving. This was the first thing that we missed.
My wife’s mother was 83, but until a year or two before we stepped in, she seemed capable of taking care of herself and her house, but needed help with cleaning her house and having someone drive her to appointments and to take her shopping. She never got a chance to really retire and continued to oversee her household. She had some transient ischemic attacks (TIA), which are brief strokes that occur when blood to the brain is temporarily blocked. Some of the symptoms included:
- Sudden weakness or numbness in the face, arms or legs
- Slurred speech or difficulty understanding others
- Double vision
- Dizziness or loss of balance or coordination
- Confusion
We didn’t know about these TIA episodes until just before we decided to bring my wife’s parents to our house. We learned of these episodes from her friends who were helping her for a long time, but we didn’t learn of them until her friends reached out to us and told us that we needed to take control of their care. We noticed the results of one of these episodes, but didn’t realize how serious things were. We saw the effects of one of these episodes, but then she slept for an extensive amount of time and seemed to return to her normal. We asked her questions about how she was and what help she needed, but the only thing that she would accept was a part-time aide coming in to help with cleaning, some cooking and to take her to appointments and grocery shopping. We thought that this was the normal effect of aging, but honestly, we didn’t know the normal effects of aging and I am not sure that my mother-in law was aware of just how bad things were.
As I Look back on how we missed just how bad things were, we visited, helped them get things done around the house while we were there and hired an aide, but we never probed or fully investigated what was going on with them on day-by-day basis. My wife is an only child, and we have lived about two hours away for our entire married life. Her parents always told us that they were fine and didn’t need anything. My strongest suggestion is to make a thorough assessment of what is going on in your parents’ life rather than just accepting what you are being told. Honestly, don’t most of us want to believe that we can take care of ourselves, and we don’t want to admit that we can’t take care of ourselves? And for those of us that are getting older, shouldn’t we reach out to our children and encourage them to pay attention to what is happening in our lives so they can give us an honest appraisal of what they see?
Abilities Not Disabilities 